Leadership Skills: Feedback and Managing Difficult Conversations Part 2
Imagine for a moment: you receive a text from your boss, “Let’s talk – I have some feedback.”
Now imagine: you have a person on your team who has all the necessary skills and capabilities, yet you see a few behaviors that are derailers and they seem completely unaware of their negative impact.
What are you feeling? Maybe a little nervous or anxious, heart beating a little differently, your breathing is a bit faster?
“Feedback” has gotten a bad rap. It’s critical data we all need, yet most of us struggle with delivering it skillfully and receiving it productively.
Last month, we explored how to receive feedback well by connecting our feeling and our thinking to move from a reactive state to a receptive state. This month, we’re focusing on how to upskill our ability to provide truly constructive feedback to help others learn and grow.
Let’s start with distinguishing “constructive” feedback from criticism. Truly constructive feedback has the other person’s best interests at heart. Constructive feedback inspires and encourages desired behavior, versus focusing on perceived negative behavior. It’s centered on the behavior vs. on the person. People aren’t their behaviors, yet often feedback is framed as “you are a micro-manager” vs. “you can delegate more in ways that help your team grow and learn.”
Leaders can often fall into the trap of focusing on the negatives. In fact, having a negative mindset related to feedback conversations can render those conversations destructive – when the actual goal is to highlight and encourage the use of strengths.
Some common pitfalls:
Relying on “old tapes” focusing on something from the past -- that may no longer be relevant -- vs focusing on going forward
Making it solely about the person that’s the subject of the feedback vs recognizing the accountability of the leader to work with that person to help them continue to improve
Using vague language about what the person isn’t doing (“you need to be more strategic”) vs using specific language that provides tangible examples about what’s needed (“we need our team to be future-focused so that we can operate proactively vs reactively”).
Constructive feedback works best when it’s delivered directly. As a leader you may find yourself hearing negative feedback about a member of your team, even from one of their peers. Resist serving as the “go-between” and instead consider the benefits of encouraging the peer to bring the feedback directly to their colleague. That helps them both shift to learning, collaborating, and taking action in ways that will strengthen their connection.
Finally, as with all potentially difficult conversations, taking the time to help yourself prepare is key. A few tips:
Be clear about your goal, about what you really want from the conversation. In the case of feedback, think about encouraging and inspiring.
Keep it simple and focused on your goal. As you have the conversation, continue to check in on whether you’re acting like you want to encourage and inspire.
Use “VEDEC”
Vulnerable: Create Safety for the other person. Be clear about your positive intent and share it with them.
Empathetic: Start with an attitude of curiosity and patience. Have a sincere interest in understanding the other person’s point of view and express that interest. Mirror back what they’re saying so they feel heard and understood. Agree when you share views, and when you disagree, don’t suggest the other person is wrong.
Direct: Be specific -- share specific data/observations and their impact before sharing the conclusions, evaluations or diagnoses you may draw from them.
Exploratory: Let go of needing to be “right.” Be open to challenge and expand your perception of reality. See the opportunity to work together to create an action plan.
Caring: Reconnect with the goal and intention you really care about. Go back to the purpose of the conversation – to encourage and inspire.
By effectively planning and shifting from negativity and criticism, delivering feedback will be less stress-inducing, and will become a natural part of your leadership. So the next time you reach out to someone and offer feedback, you’ll both look forward to the conversation as a great learning opportunity.
To dive deeper into learning: