Let it Be: Loosening the Grip of Attachment
It seems like so many of us are struggling right now with overwhelming feelings of concern, frustration, worry, even fear. We care very deeply about our work, our relationships, our communities, our country. There’s so much that needs to be fixed, to change, to be protected, yet we feel like we have no power. It seems there’s no escape. How can we find peace?
Let it be.
Wait, what? How can we let go when we really care?
Begin with asking yourself, is it care or is it attachment? Care is focused on wanting others to be safe, happy, well, at ease. When we care, we don’t want for ourselves, it’s not about us.
When we’re attached, it’s personal, an investment in a storyline or outcome. Attachment feels like holding on, wanting or needing things to be a certain way. We attach to feelings as if they define us. We may find ourselves stuck in disappointment, regret, or fear. We yearn for things, or we cling to them, not wanting them to leave or change.
With attachment we pin our happiness on other people, circumstances, and things. “Life would be good, and I’d be happy if only….” We yearn to be seen as successful, or important, or popular, or attractive. We’re frustrated with others because they don’t act the way we want them to, or we worry about growing old, or our children growing up and moving away. We fear that something bad will happen.
As we attach, we limit our ability to experience the present. We may be just fine right now -- even happy -- yet we’re consumed with what’s lacking or what might happen. We pour our focus and energy into things we can’t control. We’re left overwhelmed, exhausted, and feeling like we have no power.
Gaining awareness of attachment can be difficult, and then what? How do we go about detaching?
We can begin by seeing that we do have power. When we let go of wanting, of owning, of seeking to control the world around us, we release the destructive impact of attachment. We find instead true power as we focus on what we can control about ourselves – our own feelings, actions, decisions, and boundaries:
Our attitude and effort
How we talk to ourselves
Who we surround ourselves with and how we treat them
What we expose ourselves to
Our willingness to challenge our beliefs, to learn and grow
How we nurture our bodies and our minds
Where we’re putting our physical, mental, and emotional energy
How we connect with others
As we shift our focus toward what we can control, we can adopt some simple practices to help us reinforce that focus and avoid the distractions:
Mindfulness: Our minds tend to live in the past (what was) and the future (what might happen). Using mindfulness, we can call on our bodies which always live in the present. It doesn’t take much to make a difference: pausing to focus on our breath, doing a simple body scan, or a 5-minute meditation.
Intentionality: Many of us are driven by our schedules and to do lists. We can also set daily intentions that focus on what we can control: today I’ll speak kindly to myself and others, or I’ll turn off the notifications on my phone, or I’ll listen to something funny or inspirational.
Self-compassion: There can be a direct link between attachment and a lack of self-compassion. We somehow feel “less than,” which feeds our yearning for things outside of our control. As we build self-compassion, our yearning lessens, and we detach. Consider incorporating the three components of self-compassion into your day: kindness and grace toward yourself, acceptance, and connection.
Acceptance: Practice letting things be. That doesn’t mean we can’t actively work to create a different future. It means we can make peace with the moment as it is, without worrying that something’s wrong with us or our lives, and then operate from a place of acceptance. Writer and teacher Sebene Selassie offers a dual meaning of “let it be:” setting intentions and accepting our responsibility to act for personal and collective well-being, and “let it go,” giving ourselves up to what we can’t control.
Connection: We can often feel very alone in our feelings of attachment. We may even emotionally and physically withdraw. As we connect with others, and learn about them, their work, and their lives, we realize that we’re not alone in our worries, frustration, or suffering. We see more clearly what we do have in our lives, and we appreciate that we’re part of the shared human experience.
By learning how to identify attachment and practice detaching, we free ourselves from the rumination, worry, frustration and fear about things outside our control that interfere with our well-being. We can instead re-direct our energy to where we can best impact what we care about most.
Starting the year in a productive, positive, and peaceful way
A few days into the first full work week of the new year -- how are you feeling?
If you’re feeling a bit stressed and overwhelmed, you’re not alone. After two weeks of quieter work demands and time with family and friends, getting back to the routine can feel particularly hard.
The good news – we can leverage what science knows about our neurobiology to smooth the adjustment and help us begin the year in a productive, positive, and peaceful way.
Begin by recognizing what’s happening. As we look forward to the holidays or vacation and enjoy them, the dopamine levels in our brains increase, and we feel that holiday cheer. As we return to routine, those levels drop. The result can be that we feel a bit more down, stressed, overwhelmed, or negative than usual.
Know that the feeling is temporary – we’ll feel better as our dopamine levels normalize. There are also some actions we can take to help us get past it:
Connect with what you care about most: One of the best things you can do for our well-being is having a clear view of what’s most important to you. Universally, when I ask my clients to describe their personal vision — what they most want in their lives — it’s not getting that promotion or making a lot of money. It’s their family, their friends, doing work that makes an impact.
Take a few minutes to reflect on what’s most important to you and write it down. Even better, talk to someone about it. Connecting with our vision not only helps remind us what we want to focus on, it also activates the parasympathetic nervous system which helps us regulate, alleviating the stress.
Give yourself grace: While we may have some urgent demands, when we really consider it, most of what we have in front of us, while important, isn’t urgent. Allow yourself some grace to ease back in. The best way to accomplish the important work and avoid eventual burnout is to take it a step at a time. Schedule regular breaks and use them to step outside, listen to music, connect with someone, or just breathe.
Move your body: Along with the physical benefits, exercise delivers benefits for our brains and how we feel emotionally. Exercise releases endorphins – neuropeptides that elevate our mood and help modulate the body’s response to physical and emotional stress. Endorphins also support the growth of new brain cells and connections in the hippocampus – a part of our brains that is crucial to learning and memory.
Aim for variety (cardio and strength training), consistency (at least 30 minutes most days) and intensity. Yet listen to your body, gradually increasing your intensity over time to avoid injury.
Remember you’re not alone: When I coach groups, one of the most beautiful experiences is seeing a client open up about their challenges and other group members instantly connect and share how they understand and experience similar challenges.
Often when feeling overwhelmed we isolate ourselves, putting our heads down to get it all done. We may knock to dos off our lists, yet we’re left feeling exhausted. When we instead allow ourselves to connect with others, we find community and support. We also find joy and laughter, increasing dopamine and energizing ourselves.
So, take a break, pause and reflect on what you care most about, connect with a friend, and get some movement in. Know that you’re doing good for your brain and body, strengthening yourself for all you want to accomplish.
Calming the Year-end Craziness
Beginning about mid-November until whenever we allow ourselves to pause at the end of December can be a blur. We’re juggling what seems like a thousand balls in the air.
At work it’s scrambling to meet year-end goals, finalizing plans for next year, trying our best to avoid last minute fire drills. Then there’s the hustle to get holiday gifts, parties, celebrations with our families, school activities, travel, shopping, wrapping, cooking, baking….
It can feel overwhelming and out of control. We can lose ourselves in all the craziness. We can feel stressed, anxious, reactive. What we see in the mirror (if we give ourselves the opportunity to look) isn’t our favorite selves.
Yet we each have so much more control over how we want to live and how we want to feel than we often realize. By taking a few small actions, we can ease the pressure.
Focus on what’s most important. We can accomplish anything, yet we can’t accomplish everything. While it all may feel equally important, try taking a few moments to sit back and consider what is truly most important to you.
Try letting go of needing to get everything done by year end. Some things can absolutely wait; we can re-define what is “urgent.” Research shows that, while missing a deadline is important, you don’t get bonus points for finishing early, and you may actually perform better and accomplish more by giving yourself more time.
Ask yourself:
(1) What’s most important? -- where do I really want to put my best effort? Or, what requires my direct attention? (2) What’s important, yet I can put in less effort and be good enough or I can get help from someone else? and (3) What can I let go of – either not do at all or do later?
Ask for help. This one can be very difficult, particularly for high-achieving people who pride themselves on self-reliance. Consider how gratifying it can feel when someone comes to you with vulnerability and a sincere request for your assistance. By asking for someone else’s help, you’re giving them the opportunity to feel needed and valued. Sharing your vulnerability and need for support helps you connect with them on a different level, and by sharing in the work, you can make the work more enjoyable.
Give yourself a break. Schedule moments in your day to pause and take a break. Trust that you won’t lose momentum. Along with reducing stress, frequent breaks help us restore energy and focus to maintain and even improve performance throughout the day. Breaks diminish that feeling of exhaustion and need for recovery at the end of the day and increase energy levels over time.
You’ll get bonus points by using that break time to chat with a friend or colleague. You’ll help nourish your human need for connection and enhance the feeling of recovery.
Don’t invite your inner judge to the party. This one is for us perfectionists: So many of us have that part that consistently and loudly points out all we need to do to meet some standard we’ve set to be “good enough.” That part may have helped us achieve, yet it’s not serving us now. Tell it, “Thanks, but I’ve got this.” We don’t have to overachieve to be accepted. We don’t need to please everyone to be a good person. We don’t need to go above and beyond – we can let go of some of it. Really.
While we’re letting go, let go of expectations. We acquire expectations along the way (and our inner judges remind us of them all the time). Instead, set intentions. Think about what you value, what’s most important to you and write it down. Instead of “I need to get all of this done by year-end,” try “I want to meet my commitments AND have the mental well-being and energy to enjoy my work, my family, and my friends.”
Lighten up. All the pressure can cause us to take it all too seriously. We can care deeply about things, yet also be able to laugh easily and find joy. We all know how good it feels to laugh really hard. When we laugh, we experience a decrease in cortisol and an increase in the feel-good hormones like dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins. Play, joy and laughter also fuel our imagination, creativity, and problem-solving abilities, helping us burn through that to do list.
Taking some simple steps, we can find the agency to accomplish the most essential things and experience true peace and joy during the holiday season and throughout the year.
Managing Stress by Changing our Relationship with It
In my coaching practice I work with senior executives, professionals, and high potential individual contributors. They come from varied backgrounds, different types of businesses, diverse cultures, and different regions of the U.S. Regardless of their differences, they share a common challenge: they're overwhelmed, tired, constantly juggling competing demands, feeling burned out. They consistently talk about stress.
They don't feel they have the time and space to pause, to reflect, to plan. They're not functioning at their best, more fueled by their frustration than what they truly care about.
They soothe themselves with undesirable and less than helpful behaviors. They feel brittle, frustrated, exhausted. They don't see a way out.
What if the way out isn't removing the stress from our lives, but changing our relationship to the stress so we can better manage it?
Stress isn't inherently bad. Humans grow psychologically when we're exposed to appropriate amounts of stress - even when it may feel like "too much" at the time. Trying to keep ourselves stress free can actually decrease our capacity to deal effectively with the challenges life inevitably throws our way.
The key is understanding the type of stress we're experiencing and what an appropriate amount of stress is for us.
We need "alert" stress to focus and perform. In this state stress hormones are working at a moderate level to help us enhance alertness and improve response times. Alert stress helps us meet deadlines, tackle tough challenges and accomplish stretch goals.
When we feel stress, our nervous systems shift into an elevated sympathetic state. When the amygdala perceives a threat, stress hormones are released. This process helps prepare the body to face challenges by heightening awareness, increasing energy, and sharpening focus.
Following the stressful event, our bodies shift into parasympathetic mode. As we perceive the "threat" has gone away, we rebound and return to normal.
A different type of stress happens when we feel there are too many demands for too long, or we continue to ruminate and spiral about the stressful events in our lives. This "maladaptive" stress can push our brains and bodies to their limits. We go on automatic pilot, defaulting to old habits and seemingly wired behaviors.
Maladaptive stress can cause changes in our brains that contribute to exaggerated emotional responses. We may find ourselves being more easily triggered, irritable, unmotivated, less able to cope with life's demands. We may also find ourselves indulging in less-than-optimal behaviors as our brains prioritize getting energy any way it can, including that nightly happy hour or pint of Ben & Jerry's.
So how do we get out of this mode? We can't just be talked out of it. Our brains aren't designed to listen when we're in the heightened sympathetic fight, flight, or freeze mode.
To get out of the stress mode, we need to use our bodies to communicate to our brains that the threat doesn't exist or is much smaller than perceived. We need to counterbalance by bringing ourselves into a parasympathetic state through actions such as:
Breath work: Try box breathing four times -- inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds
Hobbies: Immerse yourself in something you enjoy that will distract you from thinking about the stressful event.
Meditation: Even a short 5-minute session can help shrink the amygdala and lessen the stress response.
Exercise: Sweating it out calms our bodies as endorphins are released.
Rest: We might have thought that all-nighters worked when we were in school, yet our bodies need rest to move out of stress mode and recover.
Healthy boundaries: Know what you care about most and learn to say "no" to the unnecessary things that get in the way.
We can learn to recognize and appreciate the value of useful stress. We can use it to perform, then call on actions that will regulate ourselves out of the stress mode. Done consistently over time, those same actions will strengthen our resilience and ability to avoid experiencing the harmful stress.
For deeper learning:
• Rewire: Break the Cycle, Alter Your Thoughts and Create Lasting Change, Nicole Vignola
• Your Body is Your Brain, Amanda Blake
Leadership Skills: Managing our Reactions and Learning from Triggers
Think of your worst moment. We all have them. A moment when we didn't show up the way we would like to.
We may have reacted too quickly, or even overreacted. We may have used harsh language or reacted with anger. We may have rolled our eyes or shaken our head. We may have shut down and not spoken up for ourselves, or for someone else.
As humans we all experience triggers -- things that we encounter that can spark intense negative emotions. It can be anything from snarly traffic to technology not working, to someone showing up late to a meeting, to not getting all the information we need, to someone behaving a certain way or using a particular word or phrase.
We all feel them, and they don't feel good. Our bodies react in fight, flight, or freeze - our hearts race, our breathing changes, we may get sweaty palms, or a dry mouth. We may feel hot, or cold. We may lose our voice. We can react in negative ways - speaking loudly or saying harsh or angry things or shutting down, shutting others out.
Reacting to triggers can impede or even prevent our ability to behave as our best selves, as the leaders and professionals we want to be.
We've all known certain leaders - they may be super smart, and they have very high standards for performance. They're highly reactive, and those around them are always on their toes. They pride themselves on achievement, yet the people in their organizations are stressed, anxious, feeling less than empowered.
Then there are the rarer leaders, the ones who seem unflappable. They take things in stride. Regardless of the crisis of the moment, they're the calm in the storm. They measure their responses to focus on what's most important, always treating people with respect and compassion.
The unflappable leader still has triggers, yet she's has gained awareness of them, she's learned from them, and she's gained tools that allow her to shift from reacting to thoughtfully responding.
We can strengthen our ability to regulate our nervous systems and thoughtfully respond by separating the thing that happens, the trigger, from our reaction to it. We can learn to move quickly from a dysregulated state to a more modulated, more thoughtful state following this simple approach:
Recognize when you're feeling triggered. Your body will give you clues that you're in a dysregulated state. Consider how fast your heart is beating, how you're breathing - any uncomfortable changes to how you're physically feeling.
Note the trigger. Record the moment to reflect on later, e.g., "I didn't like when that person did X." Your phone's notes app is a great tool for this.
Practice self-regulation. When you feel the trigger, pause and take a breath. Give yourself time between feeling and action. Change your posture or your environment - step away if you can, or step outside. Also find ways to adopt regular, consistent mindfulness, presence, and gratitude practices that will strengthen your ability to regulate during triggering moments.
Reflect. When we get triggered it's not about what happened, or the other person or people, it's something about us. Give yourself time to look back on the note about the trigger and consider what emotions you were feeling, what you were believing, what stories you were telling yourself. Consider the patterns or themes, what's common about your triggering moments. Think about what's familiar - what you know about yourself and your background that may be present.
Reframe. Challenge your beliefs. Tell yourself a different story. Consider what else may have been happening. Use more neutral, kinder terms about the other person and yourself.
Triggers can be our great teachers. By listening to the lessons they offer, we create new opportunities for greater awareness and growth. Pairing that awareness with self-regulation allows us to become the leaders, the professionals, the people we aspire to be.
Unlock your Potential by Growing Self-Compassion
The longer I live, the more I listen to my clients and work on my own growth, the more I see how our lack of self-compassion stands in the way of what we want and who we want to be.
How it causes us pain and hurts others. How it drives our need to seek approval, validation, and affirmation, and leads to misunderstanding, judgment and conflict.
What is "self-compassion?" It's being kind and understanding to ourselves, giving ourselves grace, particularly when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate. It's recognizing that our failings are part of being human -- that others, even seemingly "successful" people fail in similar ways. It's being mindful of our painful thoughts and feelings and treating ourselves with care, rather than ignoring our pain, trying to push it away or push it down, or spiraling and flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.
Strengthening our self-compassion is one of the most important things we can do to support our ability to achieve our goals and to positively impact our relationships, our families, our organizations, and our communities.
Our culture doesn't exactly encourage self-compassion. We may have been raised and taught to believe that any focus on ourselves is selfish or self-indulgent. And yet, as we strengthen our self-compassion, we find that we're more open, kinder, and more compassionate with others.
The perfectionists and people-pleasers among us may worry that practicing self-compassion will make us less effective. Maybe we'll accomplish less and disappoint others. Yet strengthening our self-compassion makes us more resilient - instead of self-defeating thoughts, we're able to pause, reflect, learn, and move forward, better and stronger.
So how do we shift - how can we strengthen our self-compassion? Research shows that adopting simple, consistent routines can result in notable differences:
Build awareness. Consider the story you're telling yourself and the words you use about yourself. Are they helpful and encouraging, or are they self-deprecating, critical, or even mean?
Learn self-regulation. When you're struggling - feeling frustrated, angry, or defeated - try pausing to take some deep breaths. Take a few minutes to step away, or step outside.
Adopt mindfulness. You'll almost immediately feel the benefits of even 5-10 minutes of loving kindness, or "metta" meditation. Try a relaxed posture, close your eyes or soften your gaze and repeat simple phrases, about people you love, about people you feel neutral about, about yourself: "may you be safe, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live with ease."
Heighten body awareness and health. Nurture yourself with healthy food and movement and listen to your body - if you're tired, rest.
Speak kindly. Start the day with a simple intention to "speak kindly to myself and others." Over time you'll see how kindness begets kindness and begins to be more of your default mode.
Write. Journal, write yourself a letter, or simply list what you appreciate about yourself, what makes you feel proud. Focus on your intrinsic value, not just your accomplishments.
Believe in yourself. Trust yourself and your dreams. Be patient and gentle with yourself. Remember all the good things you've done and all the challenges you've faced - how you showed up even though it was really hard. All that you've learned. Know that you're worthy and good.
For deeper learning:
• Dr. Kristin Neff Associate Professor of Psychology, University of Texas at Austin, expert on self-compassion
• Ten Percent Happier for guided meditations and content on self-compassion
• The Center for Compassion and Altruism Research & Education at Stanford
Living Intentionally -- The Power of Gratitude
Daily life can be difficult. We may find ourselves exhausted, feeling down, disappointed, and dissatisfied. Distracted by the seemingly better, happier lives that other people live. By what they have that we lack. Or we can find ourselves simply overwhelmed by the negativity that seems to surround us.
The good news is that we can liberate ourselves from those feelings. We can become more responsive and resilient, regardless of what’s happening or not happening to us and around us. Through simply expressing gratitude we can find peace and begin to live the life we want to lead.
Gratitude allows us to expand our perspective. Through regular gratitude routines, we strengthen our ability to overcome our human negativity bias. We’re better able to reframe and focus on what we may not be seeing — the good in our lives. How others have loved, cared for, and supported us. We’re happier, more optimistic, and better able to contribute toward a better future.
When we express gratitude, our brains release dopamine and serotonin, enhancing our mood immediately, making us feel happy from the inside. An intentional gratitude practice helps develop and strengthen neural pathways and bolster the grateful and positive natures within us. Feeling grateful becomes more natural, more our default way of being.
Note that this isn’t about toxic positivity. Gratitude practices enhance our ability to sense positive feelings, but this doesn’t mean we have to ignore the negative feelings. Gratitude widens our apertures and helps us feel stronger and more resilient as we face our challenges. As we intentionally and consistently practice gratitude we “rewire” our brains to help us become more resilient and better able to deal with setbacks, failures, and tough circumstances.
Research also shows that gratitude isn’t just a good feeling -- regular gratitude practices deliver proven neurobiological and physical benefits. In fact, gratitude can help us with everything from getting better sleep, to managing stress, even to reducing subjective feelings of pain.
So where to start – how can we adopt gratitude practices, especially when we’re struggling?
Know that it doesn’t necessarily come naturally. That negativity bias can make us naturally see what’s NOT good. But remember that we can teach ourselves to feel more grateful more often. We can teach our brains to be more in touch with the good vs the bad.
Try for a few minutes a day, start simply noting 3 things you’re grateful for. Some days it can be just the fact of waking up or having a bed to sleep in or coffee nearby waiting to help you wake up. It might be a part of your body that you don’t think about, yet it’s working to keep you alive and well. Or maybe just something simple around you that’s always there for you - your dog or cat, your favorite pillow, or the NYT games.
Aim for consistency, and as with everything, give yourself grace. If you miss a few days, maybe try it a different way, or just start again.
Beginning each day expressing gratitude can strengthen our self-compassion. It can help us give ourselves grace, and in turn be kinder, more compassionate and more open to others. No matter what happens, it can help remind us of what we care about most, why we’re doing what we do, and what we want most out of life.
Finding Purpose and Peace in a VUCA world
I recently got together with a dear friend and former colleague. She was sharing stories about the enormous stress that people from our former company were under. She asked me whether I thought that level of stress was unique to that company’s culture.
Given what I hear from my clients, I responded, that sadly, no, it’s not unique. It’s endemic.
We live in a VUCA world. Originally coined by the military to describe the more complex multilateral world post-Cold War, VUCA emphasizes that the world we operate in is
Volatile – change is rapid and unpredictable in its nature and extent.
Uncertain – the present is unclear, and the future is uncertain.
Complex – many different, interconnected factors come into play, with the potential to cause chaos and confusion.
Ambiguous – there is a lack of clarity or awareness about situations.
We all feel the impact, regardless of our occupation, profession, industry, or role. We seem to be bombarded with messages that reinforce the feelings of uncertainty, anxiety, and stress.
Political leaders and news organizations intentionally appeal to our human negativity bias. Social media and marketers do the same, reinforcing our feelings of not being enough or having enough. Leaders in our workplaces seem to frame every challenge in a negative way, and we’re constantly and consistently triggered by frustrating annoyances like daily traffic and tech challenges.
The stress we feel can feel useful – it can seemingly drive us to perform and deliver. Our culture that’s highly focused on indulgence, achievement, and individualism reinforces that feeling. And we can get rewarded for the performance. It’s why we tend to train our brains to be in this mode.
Yet it’s not good for us.
That “performance mode” we perceive is a state of high sympathetic nervous system (SNS) arousal. It’s our fight, flight, or freeze reactive state. We start perceiving things as threatening that are in fact benign. We narrow our focus and miss the broader context.
Neuroscientists tell us that living in this state can cause cognitive, perceptual, and emotional impairment. To make it worse, because human beings naturally mirror other human beings, it’s contagious – we’re contributing to the VUCA.
The antidote? Train your brain’s empathic network by activating the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). PNS is a state of renewal that delivers real neurobiological benefits. If SNS is the gas that can help us get things done, PNS is the brakes that allow us to pause, reflect, and create. To be curious, present, and kind. PNS is the only state that allows us to reverse what stress does in our body.
Just like SNS, PNS is contagious. As we live more often in this state, we positively impact the other people in the VUCA environments around us.
So how do we make the shift? How do we train ourselves to move from SNS to PNS?
To start, try listing the people who helped you become who you are. Think of what they did to help you. Now make a note of how you feel reflecting on those moments.
You just did an exercise to help train your brain’s empathic network by activating your parasympathetic nervous system.
To keep this going and build momentum, adopt some simple routines that you can do consistently. Keep it simple and repeatable and strive for more, briefer moments rather than fewer, larger breaks. Build boundaries by scheduling mini breaks in your day (actually put them on your calendar and hold them as sacred).
Try:
Stepping outside for 5 or 10 minutes and doing nothing. Just be.
Writing down 3 things you are grateful for
Practicing box breathing. Inhale for 4 seconds, hold it for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds. Repeat 4 times.
Going for a short stroll.
Petting your dog or cat.
Listening to music.
Reading or listening to something funny and laughing out loud.
As with everything, give yourself grace. Try it for a few days and if it’s not working, try something else. If you want to do it but feel like you can’t fit it in, reflect on what you’re prioritizing instead. With kindness, ask yourself whether that thing is truly more important to you.
Over a surprisingly short amount of time, you can build your ability to live with greater peace in this world and to help those around you do the same.
For deeper learning
• Richard Boyatzis: Intentional Change Theory, leadership, emotional intelligence; “Helping People Change”
Seeking Wabi-Sabi -- Finding the Beauty in being Flawed
I often refer to myself as a “recovering perfectionist.” I spent a good part of my adult life focused on performance and achievement. I wanted to be liked, approved of, appreciated. I would joke that I always wanted to get an “A.” In reality, it was no joke.
I was constantly trying to avoid criticism by striving to exceed what I perceived as everyone’s standards and expectations. All would be okay so long as I was performing at the highest possible level and continuing to advance at work, while being the best mom, with the best kids, and the most beautifully decorated and well-maintained home. Working hard to not gain weight, dress a certain way, and not have a hair out of place.
Yikes.
In reality, I was never good enough for myself and I was really hard on people I cared about. Oh, and the very people I was trying to please weren’t necessarily happy with me. I didn’t avoid judgment or criticism. I was overworked, overwhelmed, often unhappy, and rarely satisfied.
It took working with a good coach to help me see the harm I was doing to myself and how it harmed those around me. We worked together to help me reveal the underlying beliefs and fears that drove me to adopt my perfectionist behaviors.
I learned that I not only wanted to let go of the perfectionist (which was difficult – she got a lot done!), I also needed to love and accept who I was at my lowest. Intentionally focusing on giving kindness, compassion, and grace to myself has helped me find peace and focus on what’s most important. The bonus – it’s helped me be a kinder, more compassionate, and more supportive person to others.
The Japanese concept of wabi-sabi is an incredibly helpful tool for recovering perfectionists. Wabi-sabi invites us to not only not fear imperfection, but to welcome it. Nothing and no one is perfect, and in fact there is value and beauty in the imperfect.
Wabi-sabi recognizes the reality that any attainment of “perfection” isn’t real, and striving for it will always lead to dissatisfaction. In this way, celebrating imperfection liberates us – opens us up to new possibilities and deeper, kinder relationships.
These days, while the perfectionist is still a part of me, she laughs at herself more. Instead of fearing failure, I’m embracing it and finding beauty in it, seeing it as creating opportunities to learn and grow.
My son and I recently found two wabi-sabi prints at a lovely local store. When I look at them, I pause to give kindness and compassion to my inner self and celebrate the perfectly imperfect human that I am.
Some tips for my fellow perfectionists:
Practice inner self-compassion. Do a 5 or 10-minute self-compassion meditation or make a list of your strengths and what you appreciate about yourself.
Set an intention to speak kindly to yourself and others.
Spend time being in nature. Part of wabi-sabi is appreciating natural beauty that isn’t a product of human creation.
Embrace your mistakes, setbacks and failures. They’re signs you’re learning and growing.
Dare to be adequate. You don’t need to be the best or get an “A” to be valuable and worthy.
Laugh at yourself and be open to the humor and joy around you.
The Importance of Connection
One of our deepest needs as humans is to connect with other humans. It’s what kept early humans safe — if you weren’t part of a strong community, you risked certain death.
As we evolved, the need evolved into a drive to feel part of a social community, to have deep connections to others. These connections trigger cognitive and physiological processes that influence emotional and mental states. Hugs drive oxytocin production. Laughter increases the dopamine needed for energy, focus and motivation. And play supports brain growth.
Yet we often feel anything but connected. As we strive to get everything done in our lives, to meet deadlines and deliver results, always distracted by on-line noise and social media, we find our interactions with others can be shallow or superficial.
We also hear the noise of our inner voices warning us against connecting — “they don’t care about you” or “they’re judging you — you’re not good/interesting/smart/attractive enough” — or warning us about others and how they might reflect on us — “they’re not good/interesting/smart/attractive enough.”
I’ve seen each of my clients struggle with this in their own way, and I’ve struggled with it personally. We retreat, we stay isolated, and we feel lonely and misunderstood.
Through coaching, we can begin to see this struggle as part of the human experience and something we all face. We can begin to quiet the inner voices. We listen and hear differently. We can open ourselves up to others and find warmth, understanding, compassion, support, and love through connection. We’re able to have a more positive impact on our families, friends, communities, and organizations.
Group coaching enhances this experience and delivers benefits unique to working within a group. Group members quickly experience that they aren’t alone. The group coaching framework, built on confidentiality and trust, creates a safe space that allows members to develop trust. They work together to harness the group’s collective wisdom as each member gains greater self-awareness and embraces growth and change. They create deep and real connections that they eagerly sustain long beyond the coaching engagement.
If this resonates, if you’re interested in growth and craving connection, consider joining one of our group coaching programs.
SMG group coaching programs are based on International Coaching Federation (ICF) methodology and coaching competencies, neuroscience of change, coaching best practices, and proven methods of supporting human development and growth.
Avoiding Burnout
Our hard work helps us achieve. Until it doesn’t.
Where are you focusing your time and energy – on performance and results or on learning and growth?
People tend to be in one mode or the other -- “perform mode” or “growth mode.” The executives and professionals I coach live primarily in perform mode, delivering results and getting things done. Yet they’re not learning or growing much.
If they allow themselves to go into growth mode, they’re able to explore and learn new things. Yet they’re concerned about letting their performance dip, that their ability to deliver results is at risk.
Many of us pride ourselves in our strong work ethic, and that often relentless work ethic is reinforced. We get kudos for a job well done, we get better assignments, we get promotions. As our jobs grow bigger, the workload becomes bottomless. We respond by working even harder.
We often feel exhausted and overwhelmed. We’re sliding toward burnout, yet don’t see the warning signs. We see doing things that would contribute to our well-being and help us grow as nice to do vs must do. We don’t think we have the time for them. We may see them as distractions.
We feel like we’re breaking down. We may grow more reactive or impatient or find ourselves not able to step up as needed. We feel like we’re in overload and may be losing sleep or engaging in less than healthy habits to soothe ourselves. We think we just need a break.
We step away for a long weekend or a week or even two away, only to return and restart the relentless work ethic – sometimes pushing even harder to catch up on what we missed. Still a step away from breakdown, sliding toward burnout, yet working harder to ignore the warning signs.
The reality: rest isn’t the solution to burnout. The actual solution to avoiding burnout is growth. In growth mode, as we explore and learn, we grow our capabilities for future enhanced performance. Performance and development aren’t mutually exclusive – the answer comes in learning to balance performance and development.
Nick Petrie’s “Vertical Development” global research shows that a different approach can change the burnout curve. While rest is important, we need to take the step of having different conversations with people who will ask us different questions. People who will challenge us to reframe, to give ourselves fresh ways to look at our situation. Conversations that will help us reflect on the past and on our vision for the future. Space to experiment and take action.
Through this different approach we expand who we are. We’re able to balance performing at very high levels with focusing on our personal transformational growth and development. We become more effective leaders and more fulfilled in our work and in our lives.
If this resonates, take the next step. Let’s talk and explore how working with a coach can help you balance performance and development.
Making Peace with your Inner Critic
We call it the “inner critic” or say we have “imposter syndrome”. We know we’re getting in our own way, yet we don’t see a path to change.
Our inner critics show up in the stories we tell ourselves -- about what we’re capable of, or what we should or shouldn’t be doing. We say, “I’m not good at this,” or “I could never do that.” We want to step toward our goals and dreams, yet we talk ourselves out of it. We compare ourselves to others and see all the ways we fall short. We may even find ourselves overly critical of others, seeing only a collection of faults and bad habits vs good intentions and sincere efforts.
Having clear goals is just the first step to achieving them. The next essential step is gaining the self-awareness of the obstacles we put in our own way, but then what do we do? How do we quiet the inner critic? How can we transform from a negative mindset to one of encouragement, confidence, and self-compassion?
One approach is to begin with shifting how we think of our inner critic. What if we think of that inner critic as a separate part of us, one that’s trying to help? Initially, it may feel a bit silly, but it’s an evidence-based approach inspired by the work of Dr. Richard Schwartz, creator of Internal Family Systems. Through several decades, IFS has proven to be extremely effective in helping support self-discovery, wellness, and transformation.
Think of the voice as someone who’s reminding you of what they helped you learn. How they helped protect you from embarrassment, or punishment, or disappointment. Remember your young self at 7, or 13, or 15, and the tough experiences you went through. How has your inner critic helped you avoid the pain of repeating those experiences? You can be grateful to your inner critic for that help, yet also recognize that you don’t need help the same way anymore. What it’s telling you is no longer serving you.
Once you recognize how your inner critic has served you in the past, you can quiet it – move it out of the drivers’ seat so you can take control.
When you’re feeling a negative trigger toward yourself or someone else, allow yourself a moment to pause to feel that your inner critic is in control. From there, breathe and with compassion tell the critic thanks, but I’m good, I’ve got this.
You can strengthen your ability to quiet the critic by adopting daily self-compassion practices:
rest and recovery
journaling
movement
spending time with animals and nature
meditation
practicing speaking kindly to yourself – and others
reframing by substituting words like “should” “shouldn’t” “need to” and “but” with “it would be nice to,” “I’d prefer” “it’s important to me” and “yet”
listing out the things you do well and what you’ve accomplished – even the small things.
Using this approach, we can begin to see our inner critics as well-meaning, yet misguided friends, and learn to reclaim our agency, our trust and belief in ourselves, and our ability to live the lives we long for.
For deeper learning:
Introduction to Internal Family Systems, Richard Schwartz, PhD
Self as Coach, Self as Leader, Pamela McClean
Navigating the Challenges
“We have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong.”
As our celebration Women’s History Month comes to a close, I continue to be reminded how we stand on the shoulders of the women who came before us. During my lifetime, women were not able to establish credit in their own name. When I was born, we’d never had a woman astronaut or Supreme Court Justice. Discrimination on the basis of sex was not yet recognized under U.S. law. Women executives, law firm partners, physicians were rare.
During my lifetime I’ve seen extraordinary progress in gender equality. Yet opportunities for women and people who identify as gender non-conforming continue to be challenged by systemic inequities, microaggressions, and insensitivity. More recently we’ve seen backlash that seeks to not only reinforce the obstacles but reverse the progress.
As I coach women leaders across industries and disciplines, I hear consistent themes: a desire to be seen as strong and capable, yet likable; a desire to succeed and achieve, yet build followership; moving from exhilaration and excitement to frustration, loneliness, exhaustion; wanting to feel heard, yet often feeling misunderstood; enjoying the achievements and high points, yet working really hard, constantly running and juggling; being role models of success, yet internally questioning and judging.
The challenges that high achieving women continue to face are real. As America Ferrera’s character Gloria so perfectly pointed out, “we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we're always doing it wrong.”
It’s an understatement that BIPOC women and people who identify as GNC face additional, unique, and more daunting difficulties. Yet the challenges we confront as we seek to operate as leaders in the workplace are often very similar.
Minerva 2024 is a group coaching program designed for high achieving women to help them navigate these challenges and:
• find purpose
• live with agency and intent
• enhance their ability to positively impact their peers, teams, organizations, and communities
• enrich their relationships
• gain perspective, resilience, and strength
• achieve their goals
Structured as a coaching engagement, Minerva 2024 will help women gain clarity around their goals and intentions, self-awareness to align their impact with those intentions, understanding of the obstacles their putting in their own way. They’ll acquire tools and build plans to help them remove those obstacles and strengthen their accountability to sustain their growth into the future.
As a group coaching experience, Minerva 2024 members will experience additional benefits from harnessing the group’s collective wisdom and community of support as each individual member works to gain greater self-awareness, embrace growth and change, and gain tools and strategies for overcoming the obstacles they face inside themselves and within their organizations.
The ideal Minerva 2024 member is a high-achieving woman or person who identifies as GNC who is a leader within their organization, sees themselves as high achieving, and wishes to embrace growth and development within a supportive community. Interested in learning more? Go to Minerva 2024 for details and to register.
Leadership Skills: Feedback and Managing Difficult Conversations Part 2
Imagine for a moment: you receive a text from your boss, “Let’s talk – I have some feedback.”
Now imagine: you have a person on your team who has all the necessary skills and capabilities, yet you see a few behaviors that are derailers and they seem completely unaware of their negative impact.
What are you feeling? Maybe a little nervous or anxious, heart beating a little differently, your breathing is a bit faster?
“Feedback” has gotten a bad rap. It’s critical data we all need, yet most of us struggle with delivering it skillfully and receiving it productively.
Last month, we explored how to receive feedback well by connecting our feeling and our thinking to move from a reactive state to a receptive state. This month, we’re focusing on how to upskill our ability to provide truly constructive feedback to help others learn and grow.
Let’s start with distinguishing “constructive” feedback from criticism. Truly constructive feedback has the other person’s best interests at heart. Constructive feedback inspires and encourages desired behavior, versus focusing on perceived negative behavior. It’s centered on the behavior vs. on the person. People aren’t their behaviors, yet often feedback is framed as “you are a micro-manager” vs. “you can delegate more in ways that help your team grow and learn.”
Leaders can often fall into the trap of focusing on the negatives. In fact, having a negative mindset related to feedback conversations can render those conversations destructive – when the actual goal is to highlight and encourage the use of strengths.
Some common pitfalls:
Relying on “old tapes” focusing on something from the past -- that may no longer be relevant -- vs focusing on going forward
Making it solely about the person that’s the subject of the feedback vs recognizing the accountability of the leader to work with that person to help them continue to improve
Using vague language about what the person isn’t doing (“you need to be more strategic”) vs using specific language that provides tangible examples about what’s needed (“we need our team to be future-focused so that we can operate proactively vs reactively”).
Constructive feedback works best when it’s delivered directly. As a leader you may find yourself hearing negative feedback about a member of your team, even from one of their peers. Resist serving as the “go-between” and instead consider the benefits of encouraging the peer to bring the feedback directly to their colleague. That helps them both shift to learning, collaborating, and taking action in ways that will strengthen their connection.
Finally, as with all potentially difficult conversations, taking the time to help yourself prepare is key. A few tips:
Be clear about your goal, about what you really want from the conversation. In the case of feedback, think about encouraging and inspiring.
Keep it simple and focused on your goal. As you have the conversation, continue to check in on whether you’re acting like you want to encourage and inspire.
Use “VEDEC”
Vulnerable: Create Safety for the other person. Be clear about your positive intent and share it with them.
Empathetic: Start with an attitude of curiosity and patience. Have a sincere interest in understanding the other person’s point of view and express that interest. Mirror back what they’re saying so they feel heard and understood. Agree when you share views, and when you disagree, don’t suggest the other person is wrong.
Direct: Be specific -- share specific data/observations and their impact before sharing the conclusions, evaluations or diagnoses you may draw from them.
Exploratory: Let go of needing to be “right.” Be open to challenge and expand your perception of reality. See the opportunity to work together to create an action plan.
Caring: Reconnect with the goal and intention you really care about. Go back to the purpose of the conversation – to encourage and inspire.
By effectively planning and shifting from negativity and criticism, delivering feedback will be less stress-inducing, and will become a natural part of your leadership. So the next time you reach out to someone and offer feedback, you’ll both look forward to the conversation as a great learning opportunity.
To dive deeper into learning:
Leadership Skills: Feedback and Managing Difficult Conversations Part 1
One of the most important skills of a strong leader is the ability to deliver feedback. And one of the greatest tools we can acquire to help ourselves grow is the ability to effectively receive feedback. Unfortunately, most of us struggle with both.
Personally, for years receiving any feedback that was less than an “A” was difficult for me. My pattern: I’d hear it, immediately feel uncomfortable and embarrassed, then spiral for a day or two into shame, followed ultimately by some level of greater self-awareness. As a leader, I’d waver between being too direct (sending back documents full of redlines) and being too evasive.
Thankfully, there are tools that can help us all upskill our ability to effectively receive feedback and provide truly constructive feedback to help others learn and grow.
Let’s start with receiving feedback.
Our brains are naturally focused more on the negative, constantly searching for it to protect us from perceived risk. When we find that risk — for instance when we receive negative feedback — we have a natural human limbic reaction: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. We get defensive, we want to escape, we ruminate, we shame ourselves. If we stay there, the feedback doesn’t help us.
We need to connect our feeling and our thinking to move out of the reactive state. One approach we can use in the moment is “CURE”:
Collect yourself: Move to a responsive vs reactive state by pausing, taking a breath, and considering the story you’re telling yourself. What’s your ego (your limbic system) protecting you from and what else might the feedback mean?
Understand: Be curious,ask for examples. Detach yourself from what’s being said as though it’s about a third person.
Recover: Allow yourself to take pauses in the conversation. If needed, ask for a moment to step away. Avoid the urge to immediately respond – you can listen, acknowledge, then give yourself some time to process before returning to engage.
Engage: Examine what you’re told, look for truth. Acknowledge what you heard, what you accept and what you commit to doing.
We can also prepare ahead of time for a feedback conversation. Take time to visualize yourself as you’d like to show up in the conversation and consider:
What do I expect to hear?
What would be great to hear?
What would concern me the most to hear?
Finally, remember that your locus of control is internal -- you can frame what you hear in the way that will help you the most. Keep in mind:
“That which we cannot see about ourselves is impossible to change.” It’s uncomfortable hearing or seeing ourselves from other perspectives. It’s why we don’t always like seeing ourselves on video or hearing a recording of our voices. We sound and look different from the inside out than from the outside in. At the same time, that outside in view is essential to our ability to grow.
Feedback is merely data, important data, but data, nonetheless. It’s not about your identity, not about who you are. While receiving feedback is valuable, remember that feedback is about your behavior, not about your worth.
Supporting High Potential Talent – the Group Coaching Option
“I wish I’d had the opportunity to work with a coach earlier in my career.”
Senior leaders consistently tell me how grateful they are for the coaching experience. How working with a coach helped them gain clarity around their goals and intentions, self-awareness to align their impact with those intentions, and understanding of the obstacles they were putting in their own way.
They also consistently lament the fact that they didn't work with a coach earlier in their careers. And now, they don't see affordable and accessible coaching options for the talent within their organizations.
Unfortunately, companies and firms willingly fund coaching for senior executives and training and development for entry level associates -- yet they don’t invest in the emerging leaders who may be their most valuable assets.
Organizations recognize high potential talent, but they don’t dedicate sufficient resources to help their talented future leaders grow.
Those talented high potential associates are left feeling unsupported and unsatisfied. They often feel compelled to leave their organizations to gain the development they need to achieve their goals. At the same time, they struggle with their ability to afford quality coaching to invest in their own development.
Accelerate Growth ‘24 is an affordable group coaching program designed for talented leaders who have the potential to advance into senior levels of leadership. Group members benefit from harnessing the group’s collective wisdom and creating a community of support as they work to gain greater self-awareness and embrace growth and change.
The ideal Accelerate Growth ‘24 group member is interested in advancing to more senior leadership and has demonstrated the potential to serve at higher levels. You may have people within your organization who fit this profile – or you may feel you fit this profile yourself.
Interested in learning more? Go to Accelerate Growth '24 for details and to register.
Your goals are set — now what can you do to ensure success?
Coaching Insights Newsletter — January 2024
At this point in the new year, you probably have goals in place for your business, your team, and yourself. Having goals can be motivating, but achieving them usually requires some new routines, new habits, new behaviors.
Unfortunately, changing behavior is hard. Even the most motivated people can go all out, only to beat themselves up as they inevitably face challenges and setbacks.
Science tells us that to make and sustain real change, we need to connect to it emotionally — setting intentions, envisioning our desired future and our “future selves.” Tools such as visualization, vision boards, or journals are proven methods to help our brains make that emotional connection.
It’s also important to embrace failure. Think of what you’re doing as experimentation. When you face challenges or setbacks, use it as an opportunity to reflect, assess, learn, and adjust. Frame what you’re doing as flexible and consistent vs requiring perfection.
Finally, remember to give those you’re leading -- and yourself -- grace and compassion. Keep trying, knowing you deserve to reap the benefits of achieving your goals.
Embracing Failure
My name is Karen and I’m a failure. I’ve made mistakes in nearly everything I do. I’ve misstated, I’ve misunderstood, I’ve misread. I’ve tripped, I’ve fallen, I’ve had what I thought were great ideas, that literally no one else liked.
Yes, I’m a failure, and over the years I’ve come to state that proudly. I don’t think I would have accomplished anything worthwhile had it not been for my failures along the way. I’ve come to appreciate that failure is nearly unavoidable if we’re doing hard things.
When I moved to a new company in 2010, I was eager to show everyone they’d made the right decision in bringing me on. Gripped by the action imperative, I sought to solve every problem I encountered. I was full of ideas and more than happy to share them. Because I didn’t take time to listen, to understand the culture and appreciate others’ roles and objectives, I stepped on a lot of toes and even some landmines.
As I realized how I was failing, I connected with some great people who were willing to give me candid and constructive feedback. I took their input to heart and modified my approach. I learned to focus less on my ideas and more on bringing out the great ideas in others – particularly those that were closest to the problems.
In truth, none of us is a “failure” just because we fail. As we face our failures, and even embrace them, failure can be the best way to learn. It gives us the opportunity to stop, debrief, correct, then move on in a more effective way.
Facing failure can be very difficult and uncomfortable. It’s hard to say we were wrong. We do our best to avoid failure, even questioning ourselves before offering our ideas, but as one commentator recently observed “no great success was ever achieved without failure.”
Sometimes, we may not even appreciate that we have failed. That’s where feedback comes in. To get really good at failing, we need to get very comfortable asking for and receiving feedback. That means we also need to have courage and be willing to offer feedback directly and constructively.
And that’s where failure pays off again. It teaches us humility. No human being is perfect, even those of us who are perfectionists. Hearing direct, constructive feedback and admitting our mistakes helps us embrace our imperfections and put us in a better position to continue to learn and improve. In that way, failure also makes us more accountable to each other.
As a legal professional, my career has focused on managing risk – failure is something I work with my clients to try very hard to avoid. But to learn, to grow, to innovate, to continue to get better, we all need to get comfortable with the fact that we will fail. To paraphrase a wiser person, the only way to avoid failure is to avoid trying.
Originally posted on LinkedIn May 16, 2018