Managing Stress by Changing our Relationship with It
In my coaching practice I work with senior executives, professionals, and high potential individual contributors. They come from varied backgrounds, different types of businesses, diverse cultures, and different regions of the U.S. Regardless of their differences, they share a common challenge: they're overwhelmed, tired, constantly juggling competing demands, feeling burned out. They consistently talk about stress.
They don't feel they have the time and space to pause, to reflect, to plan. They're not functioning at their best, more fueled by their frustration than what they truly care about.
They soothe themselves with undesirable and less than helpful behaviors. They feel brittle, frustrated, exhausted. They don't see a way out.
What if the way out isn't removing the stress from our lives, but changing our relationship to the stress so we can better manage it?
Stress isn't inherently bad. Humans grow psychologically when we're exposed to appropriate amounts of stress - even when it may feel like "too much" at the time. Trying to keep ourselves stress free can actually decrease our capacity to deal effectively with the challenges life inevitably throws our way.
The key is understanding the type of stress we're experiencing and what an appropriate amount of stress is for us.
We need "alert" stress to focus and perform. In this state stress hormones are working at a moderate level to help us enhance alertness and improve response times. Alert stress helps us meet deadlines, tackle tough challenges and accomplish stretch goals.
When we feel stress, our nervous systems shift into an elevated sympathetic state. When the amygdala perceives a threat, stress hormones are released. This process helps prepare the body to face challenges by heightening awareness, increasing energy, and sharpening focus.
Following the stressful event, our bodies shift into parasympathetic mode. As we perceive the "threat" has gone away, we rebound and return to normal.
A different type of stress happens when we feel there are too many demands for too long, or we continue to ruminate and spiral about the stressful events in our lives. This "maladaptive" stress can push our brains and bodies to their limits. We go on automatic pilot, defaulting to old habits and seemingly wired behaviors.
Maladaptive stress can cause changes in our brains that contribute to exaggerated emotional responses. We may find ourselves being more easily triggered, irritable, unmotivated, less able to cope with life's demands. We may also find ourselves indulging in less-than-optimal behaviors as our brains prioritize getting energy any way it can, including that nightly happy hour or pint of Ben & Jerry's.
So how do we get out of this mode? We can't just be talked out of it. Our brains aren't designed to listen when we're in the heightened sympathetic fight, flight, or freeze mode.
To get out of the stress mode, we need to use our bodies to communicate to our brains that the threat doesn't exist or is much smaller than perceived. We need to counterbalance by bringing ourselves into a parasympathetic state through actions such as:
Breath work: Try box breathing four times -- inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds
Hobbies: Immerse yourself in something you enjoy that will distract you from thinking about the stressful event.
Meditation: Even a short 5-minute session can help shrink the amygdala and lessen the stress response.
Exercise: Sweating it out calms our bodies as endorphins are released.
Rest: We might have thought that all-nighters worked when we were in school, yet our bodies need rest to move out of stress mode and recover.
Healthy boundaries: Know what you care about most and learn to say "no" to the unnecessary things that get in the way.
We can learn to recognize and appreciate the value of useful stress. We can use it to perform, then call on actions that will regulate ourselves out of the stress mode. Done consistently over time, those same actions will strengthen our resilience and ability to avoid experiencing the harmful stress.
For deeper learning:
• Rewire: Break the Cycle, Alter Your Thoughts and Create Lasting Change, Nicole Vignola
• Your Body is Your Brain, Amanda Blake