Seeking Wabi-Sabi -- Finding the Beauty in being Flawed
I often refer to myself as a “recovering perfectionist.” I spent a good part of my adult life focused on performance and achievement. I wanted to be liked, approved of, appreciated. I would joke that I always wanted to get an “A.” In reality, it was no joke.
I was constantly trying to avoid criticism by striving to exceed what I perceived as everyone’s standards and expectations. All would be okay so long as I was performing at the highest possible level and continuing to advance at work, while being the best mom, with the best kids, and the most beautifully decorated and well-maintained home. Working hard to not gain weight, dress a certain way, and not have a hair out of place.
Yikes.
In reality, I was never good enough for myself and I was really hard on people I cared about. Oh, and the very people I was trying to please weren’t necessarily happy with me. I didn’t avoid judgment or criticism. I was overworked, overwhelmed, often unhappy, and rarely satisfied.
It took working with a good coach to help me see the harm I was doing to myself and how it harmed those around me. We worked together to help me reveal the underlying beliefs and fears that drove me to adopt my perfectionist behaviors.
I learned that I not only wanted to let go of the perfectionist (which was difficult – she got a lot done!), I also needed to love and accept who I was at my lowest. Intentionally focusing on giving kindness, compassion, and grace to myself has helped me find peace and focus on what’s most important. The bonus – it’s helped me be a kinder, more compassionate, and more supportive person to others.
The Japanese concept of wabi-sabi is an incredibly helpful tool for recovering perfectionists. Wabi-sabi invites us to not only not fear imperfection, but to welcome it. Nothing and no one is perfect, and in fact there is value and beauty in the imperfect.
Wabi-sabi recognizes the reality that any attainment of “perfection” isn’t real, and striving for it will always lead to dissatisfaction. In this way, celebrating imperfection liberates us – opens us up to new possibilities and deeper, kinder relationships.
These days, while the perfectionist is still a part of me, she laughs at herself more. Instead of fearing failure, I’m embracing it and finding beauty in it, seeing it as creating opportunities to learn and grow.
My son and I recently found two wabi-sabi prints at a lovely local store. When I look at them, I pause to give kindness and compassion to my inner self and celebrate the perfectly imperfect human that I am.
Some tips for my fellow perfectionists:
Practice inner self-compassion. Do a 5 or 10-minute self-compassion meditation or make a list of your strengths and what you appreciate about yourself.
Set an intention to speak kindly to yourself and others.
Spend time being in nature. Part of wabi-sabi is appreciating natural beauty that isn’t a product of human creation.
Embrace your mistakes, setbacks and failures. They’re signs you’re learning and growing.
Dare to be adequate. You don’t need to be the best or get an “A” to be valuable and worthy.
Laugh at yourself and be open to the humor and joy around you.